The discussion of race is unavoidable right now and avoiding it should not be our goal. What follows is a discussion featuring some mothers I know. These mothers have children they’ve birthed and children they’ve adopted. They live in places like Iowa, Michigan and Kentucky. They live in small town and bigger cities. They are definitely not the same but they have something in common: These mothers have white skin while at least some of their children have black or brown skin.
I asked Tiel Howard who lives in Springville, Iowa (T); Cynthia Bane who just moved from next door to us to Kalamazoo, Michigan (C); and Lindsay Shores who lives in Louisville, Kentucky (L) five questions. Below are those questions and their responses.
1) How has the recent attention to the killings of black men affected you?
C- I’ve always experienced anxiety about my son’s safety, and I‘m spending more time imagining him navigating situations that could place him in danger. I also think we’re seeing more White people engaging with the issue of racism in ways that I think are more productive than what we’ve seen in the past.
L- I think I’m just tired right now. Certainly not as tired as my black friends who have fought this their entire lives, but weary. It is exhausting having to explain to people that racism is real, that what happened was not a misunderstanding, that my kids’ lives really do matter, and that when God says to love our neighbors, he really does mean ALL of our neighbors, regardless of ethnicity, race, gender, sexual orientation, citizenship, or refugee status.
T-I have written paragraphs and responses in the past week, only to backspace and delete the entire thing, much like I have done on Facebook recently. As the narrative on the news and social media and private conversations with my peers evolves (or in some cases devolves) or mutates from defensiveness or divisiveness, it occurs to me that I have felt the pain of this much longer and much more personally than most of the people in my life. It weighs heavily on my heart that I can feel this pain so deeply for my loved ones, yet I have no experience to draw from to truly understand. I feel very helpless today and have felt very helpless for many years, like the feeling you get when you watch your child cross the street on their own. I am not standing there, holding their hand, to see what is coming from their left and their right. I cannot know that the drivers are paying attention. I have to exercise a lot of trust as a parent in that moment. And in this moment, while discourse and protest about systemic racism, police brutality, and entrenched bigotry is all around us, I am forced to trust that the people around me have their heads up and are watching out for my “pedestrians”. It has been eye opening to say the least.
The recent attention to the Black Lives Matter movement should feel hopeful to me and to some extent it does. The impact of the recent events have not been as dramatic in our household because we have talked about these incidents for many years. Ferguson and then the riots, the NFL kneeling saga, Philando Castile, Tamir Rice (oh, Tamir Rice…….I almost cannot speak to the anxiety this causes in my chest), Trayvon Martin, white supremacist rallies, and most recently, Ahmaud Arbury.
2) How did having black children affect your mindset?
L- The other day, my adult daughter and her fiancé, both black, went to a park on their date. It was the same day a curfew was set in our city because of the protests. I felt very out of control and fearful knowing that they would be out alone in the city and that I wouldn’t be able to step in and stop a situation from happening. To the police, to our community, they would simply be a random black couple who might be considered guilty until proven innocent. And it doesn’t matter that they wouldn’t be doing anything criminal, because we know that many of the black men who have been murdered were doing nothing wrong at the time they were killed. So, I remained nervous until they returned on time.
Before I adopted transracially, I didn’t understand enough black history to believe that racism would be much of a problem. I was absolutely wrong. I didn’t yet understand the systemic nature of racism that is woven into the fabric of our nation. Excellent books, articles, documentaries, and patient black friends helped me to process and understand what I was watching my kids experience. Even though progress has been made, there is still a lot of work to be done.
T- In my household, we have to speak about these tragedies, why they are occurring, and what, if anything, we can do to best prepare our family. In my household, we have been teaching the parts of Black history that go largely ignored. It certainly has brought more conversation to our dinner table and has motivated my efforts to continue to seek out understanding, both historically and personally, so that I may, at the very least, as a White mother, be able to support my husband and children as they experience the world through their perspective. But I have to admit that it feels intimidating and heartbreaking as a mother to become acutely aware that although I may have carried these babies for nine months and spent years in the process of adoption, that I will never truly understand life in the way my children will because of the world’s response to the color of their skin. I will never understand the likely MOST DIFFICULT thing they will ever experience. I will never be able to use my experience to teach them about this. I will never truly have the gut instincts to guide them through this. To an extent, I have to feel this with my adopted son, both regarding his cultural heritage and his gender, but with neither of those do I feel I put his safety at risk if I do not do an effective job. In our home, having a Black Father to help them navigate these rough waters is essential and I feel grateful for that.
Every Mom wants their children to be comfortable in their own bodies, in their own skin. My kids may feel they are too tall, too short, too skinny, too fat, too freckle faced just like my White Mom friends……but additionally, there is a good chance mine will be inundated with questions, comments, and jokes about their hair, their skin, their athleticism. The subtle commentary may seem on its face harmless, but the discomfort of trying to explain to your peers that you DO wash and comb your hair but it is DIFFERENT than their daily habits starts to wear on a child. My daughter calls it annoying. But I know it wears her down. Each time her Hip Hop Dance outfit had “skin tone” colored tights – not HER skin tone – in order to match her dance team, she found it a bit embarrassing, but I know it wears her down. Each time her reference to herself as a Black girl is met with a “But you are half white!” or “What about the white half of you?”, she tries her best to explain but it is frustrating, and I know it wears her down.
Every Mom worries that people might be unkind to their children – that their friends might hurt them, or that someone will eventually break their heart. But my worry extends to something they could never avoid, that they cannot prevent, and that is entrenched so deeply in the hearts of people and our society that people do not even recognize that they are doing it. As a parent, in my attempts to balance letting my children figure it out and learn for themselves with my desperate attempt to speak up and intervene when I see the bigotry (at worst) and misguided opinions (at best), I am faced with comments like “You are training them to be a victim.” Or “Do you REALLY think that was about their race, REALLY?” I worry about what happens in my absence because of the things that already happen in my PRESENCE. For instance, the man at our community garage sale day who saw my daughter and held up a Black Barbie, looked me dead in the eye, and yelled “Niggerella! Here is a Nigger doll for sale!” It weighs heavily on me that my children will ever have to deal with this alone.
Every Mom hopes for their children that they get rewarded for their hard work, that they get a fair shake and that life will be fair. What do I say to my kids when I know that this is really not guaranteed for them – for many reasons, and some that might affect your children too – but that one reason will likely be that they will be judged by someone who has already determined many stereotypical things about them based on the box they marked on their form or the color of their skin that they see.
C- I’ve realized how infrequently I thought about racism before becoming a parent to a Black child, and that’s saying something because I’m a social psychologist, and I’ve been studying and teaching about stereotypes, prejudice, and racism for almost 25 years. I have a stronger appreciation for the fact that Black people in this country have to constantly think about how they’re being perceived. They feel pressure to assess and manage how others view them in order to avoid being seen as lazy or being seen as uneducated. And to avoid being seen as a threat. It’s an incredibly unfair burden.
3) What from your white friends discourages you?
C- It’s discouraging to see people ignoring the issue entirely or refusing to consider their role in addressing racism.
T- The most discouraging thing that has come to light during the last few weeks is how many responses have been to counter rather than support. It feels dismissive. It feels dismissive to see all the “meme- liking” and “You Tube video explaining” that is happening and how little “asking that family you actually know” is not. I used to think the awkward silence that I would experience when I began to express my feelings about racial inequality and oppression was hard to take. The silence right now from my peers hurts no more or no less than it has for all the years I have been the White parent of Black babies. It feels dismissive to have well meaning people tell me “Don’t let your kids get bitter”, or that I should “Break the cycle”. That is as dismissive as the more bigoted version of “Get over it – Slavery happened a long time ago.” It feels dismissive.
L- I am discouraged when my white friends politicize our biblical command to love our neighbors. Jesus drew people from all different backgrounds. He broke down gender, class, political, and racial barriers. When we are more interested in being patriotic than we are with loving those who are different from us, we have erected an idol that cannot stand in Jesus’ Kingdom. When we turn the gospel into Republican and Democrat issues, we have lost the way.
I am also discouraged when my white friends dismiss my kids’ or my black friends’ experiences and downplay them as accidents or misunderstandings. The problem goes so much deeper than they want to admit.
I am also discouraged when my white friends dismiss my kids’ or my black friends’ experiences and downplay them as accidents or misunderstandings. The problem goes so much deeper than they want to admit.
4) What from you white friends encourages you?
T- I have felt encouraged that there are conversations occurring. As hard as they can be (and they can be HARD – especially for me to find the right words through all my fears and anger), the conversations are important and I see more people involved in them. I have had a few people reach out to me and ask sincerely what they can do for my family to help TODAY. It has enabled me to say a few of the things that weigh heavy on my heart about my kids’ experiences. I have been able to ask people to help me watch out for the more subtle forms of bigotry and racism that my children may experience and if those peers go have the conversation with their kids, I have to believe that that might lessen the impact of a negative event for my kids if those other kids are around them and know how to help. When my peers ask me how to help, it is so much more comfortable (for everyone) than when I have to share our experiences. Because, while my funny facebook posts about my adorable children are well taken, the most important things I have ever posted – Emmitt Till, Please don’t call my kids “colored” – make people pretty uneasy. I have appreciated that I am not the only person looking for a conversation. That has been encouraging.
That being said, I have felt very discouraged during this time. I have needed from my community and my peers to be BELIEVED. If it is required that you or your children would have to experience this first hand for you to believe that we are experiencing it, then we will never, EVER be aligned. All of our children may have very negative personal experiences in their lives, but the explanation that a White family has for their situation may not fit in ours. When my friends suggest to me that I just do what they do – “teach your son to respect the police!” ”teach your children to be respectful of authority and they should be ok”, do they think that we DON”T? That my retired police officer husband and my law-abiding self are not doing that? Did that prevent my husband from getting targeted in Walmart and they told me I was “Fine to go”, as they searched his bags AFTER I showed them that our purchase was together? Did that help Philando Castille? Every time that my White peers suggest that there was likely no race related intent to these issues, try to apply their excuses, or decide someone else’s intent when they report a problem, it makes me realize that if my children are with them, and something happens, I am not confident that they would know how to protect my kids’ physical or mental wellbeing . It feels very lonely.
L-I am really encouraged right now by my Christian friends who are finally speaking up. I’m not judging. It took much too long for me to understand and get involved in fighting racial injustice, but for a long time it’s felt like only a small number of my friends were truly concerned and willing to put their reputations on the line. I think most followers of Jesus are now coming to understand, as Desmond Tutu explains it, “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”
C- I’m encouraged by the level of authenticity and honesty I’m seeing from my White friends, especially those who haven’t been vocal about racism in the past.
5) What do you wish your white friends understood?
C- So many things.
i) We’re immersed in a culture that diminishes the value of Black lives, and regardless of our conscious beliefs and individual values, those implicit biases affect our reactions, judgments, and behaviors. If we want change to occur, we have to pay attention to our thoughts and emotions, and we have to be willing to admit that we have those automatic reactions. It’s uncomfortable, but we can’t make progress if we refuse to examine the beliefs that are at the root of the problem.
ii) There are amazing resources for understanding the issue of systemic racism. Most of the top 10 nonfiction bestsellers on the New York Times address racism.
iii) Talk to me. We’re on the same journey. If you have doubts and struggles, I’ll listen, and I’ll be supportive. Confusion, defensiveness, guilt, and shame are natural reactions, but we need to ensure that they don’t get in the way of the important work we need to do to combat racism.
L- I wish my white friends could understand that what they are seeing right now is the result of a long history of deferred justice. This didn’t begin overnight and it won’t end overnight. Healing is painful. The answers aren’t easy and we will get it wrong sometimes. This process will take work, but all good things take work.
At a macro level, we as believers, we know that we are heading to an eternity where we will worship before the throne with people from every tribe, tongue, and nation. At a micro level, my black children and friends deserve the same rights and protection that my white children can expect. Christians are to bring Christ’s Kingdom into our world and are to desire to see him glorified among all people. If we truly believe that all men are made in the image of God and that we will live forever, worshipping the King together, then we should be willing to do the work for our brothers and sisters here and now.
T- Matt asked me what I wish my White friends understood. I wish they understood that to those of us living under this cloud of bigotry and racism each day, it is our life. It cannot be wrapped up in a perfectly packaged meme. And when those memes are posted and forwarded and forwarded, I wonder why you never asked us how we feel about these things so we could both feel your support and know who we can count on. Further, when your meme is bigoted in tone (or worse, directly), or when you do not speak up against this commentary, it makes us feel at odds with our own community.
I wish they understood how these incidents that are now being caught on cell phone video are a part of a much larger problem that has never truly been addressed or acknowledged, and that when you want to discuss each incident as if it stands alone, by countering everything with a story about what you have similarly endured or nitpicking details about someone’s past, it is utterly disheartening. It is disheartening because it makes me feel like this is going to continue to be pushed down and ignored again until the next incident grabs our attention. And what that means to me is that I cannot get my hopes up that this will change in my husband’s lifetime or in my children’s lifetime.
I wish that they understood that, although everyone can have their own opinions about things, that opinions should be formed through experience and in the case of what is happening at the moment (and many moments before this), we as White America do not have the experience of being oppressed. When your opinion is that we should just solve this by being color blind, you are forgetting that my children have the right to be proud of their ethnicity without being targeted because of it. When your opinion about the current state of race relations is that slavery was a long time ago, that assistance programs in our society oppress you as a white male, that kneeling at a ballgame is disrespectful, that we should be talking about Black on Black crime, that taking down Confederate statues erases an honored history in our country……and the list goes on……..they are not attempting to see this issue from the vantage point of the very people who are experiencing it, living it, and the history that proves it. Every time they highlight the opinion and voice of a person who has NEVER experienced this suffering, I feel like you have no intention to listen and have no intention to learn or be a part of any real change. And THAT feels devastating.
I know that my answers to your questions feel more negative than positive, lacking the hope that is required to get through this. I DO feel hope that the current movement is creating conversation and giving some of us an opportunity to share feelings that we rarely feel safe discussing with those whom we are not certain understand. I just want what every Mother wants for her family – to be comfortable and happy in their community. To be heard and believed, even if they cannot be understood. And for me, to know that in my absence, I would have a community of supportive people who would stand up and protect my children from harm, both from subtle sources or overt ones. To have people who would step in for me and never let me have to go purchase that Barbie doll from that man so that he would stop yelling words that broke me to my core, knowing that they may never experience this with their own children, but would be willing to stand on that line and fight with me.
Tiel's Family (minus their new cutie)
Lindsay's Family
Cynthia's Family (7 years ago)
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