Good Fathering Hurts

 I was a father of little kids before I became the instant father of a teen.  My wife and I had not really even considered what it might look like to parent a teen because we had many years before our naturally born children would be teens and in our plans fostering a teen wasn't something we were going to do.

Well, God changed our plans on an August day and I instantly became the father of a 14 year-old.

I made a lot of mistakes.  A lot.  One of the biggest mistake we made was the mistake of trying to parent him like we parented our little kids.  We had rules and we fought to enforce them.  We banged our heads against the wall trying to make him do what we knew was best for him.  

Well, it didn't work well.

He would leave our home after five months and we had time to reflect on what we did.  Long story short, he came back to live with us about a year later and we once again became parents of a teenager.  I was once again the father of someone who needed to become a man in short order.  We had to change our strategy.

Our first strategy was to make a list of rules and have him sign a contract to follow it in order to live with us like he had requested.  We sat with him and explained the fairly simple expectations we had for him.  We wanted him to choose like a man.  We wanted him to be a participant in the process.  

We were sure this strategy would work well.  

Well, it didn't.  

He broke the rules he promised to follow.  For example, he stayed up later than the covenant that he signed said he would.  It was so late that we couldn't enforce it without exhausting ourselves and becoming ineffective in our work as parents and employees.  We were frustrated that simple and even liberal rules weren't being followed as he promised to do if he wanted to live with us.

We needed a different strategy and we decided upon natural consequences. 

Stay up too late: Be tired at work and school.  Show up late for school: Fail.  Not come down for supper: Be hungry.

We decided that to parent a boy into a man we would let him get hurt.  We would, in effect, let him find out that the stove will burn.  We let the natural order of the universe as designed by God do the work of punishing for us.

While this may sound like lazy parenting let me tell you that it was hard.  It was hard to lead a horse to water only to watch him leave thirsty.  It wasn't easy to watch failure happen.  It hurts your heart to watch foolishness harm your child.

Psalm 81 tells us that God uses this same strategy with His children and that He feels this pain, too.

"Hear, O my people, while I admonish you!
There shall be no strange god among you;
you shall not bow down to a foreign god.
I am the LORD your God,
who brought you up out of the land of Egypt.
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.

But my people did not listen to my voice;
Israel would not submit to me.
So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts,
to follow their own counsels.
Oh, that my people would listen to me,
that Israel would walk in my ways!
I would soon subdue their enemies
and turn my hand against their foes.
Those who hate the LORD would cringe toward Him,
and their fate would last forever.
But He would feed you with the finest of the wheat,
and with honey from the rock I would satisfy you." Psalm 81:8-16

Israel had made a covenant with God.  They had done it enthusiastically.  They had promised to follow God's righteous and wise ways and they were well aware of the consequences.  

When they strayed from their promises God warned and warned and warned until He left them to natural consequences.  

The people of Israel experienced pain and suffering.  A lot more pain and suffering than getting an F or being tired at work.  This hurt their Heavenly Father.  See all the times in the above verses that He exhales His grief.  "O Israel" "Oh, that my people would listen to me".  

God is a good father.  He hates when we hurt, especially when we hurt from stupidity and foolishness.  He would have us be blessed, but He will leave us to natural consequences even though it pains His heart.

God is our good, good father, but He isn't in the business of raising forever toddlers.  He wants us to experience blessing but He's raising us into maturity.  He wants us to mature into righteous men and women and He will let natural consequences help us become that.

Our son I wrote about earlier has grown into a great young man.  It hurt my heart, but I am glad that natural consequences played a role in maturing him.  

God's statutes are for our good and for our blessing.  Follow them.  Don't be stubborn.  But when you are and discomfort arises please remember that even that is love and that God's heart is pained and longing for you to repent today.