My Miscarriage Prayer

My wife had a miscarriage Tuesday just after supper.  It was confirmed on Wednesday.  She was only six weeks pregnant, but the pain is still real.

Miscarriage is all too common.  We are not alone and you are not alone.

If you haven't noticed, I think either out loud or in writing.  Below is a prayer I wrote Tuesday night.

"If this is your will then I thank you for it.

I don’t know if my saying that comes from my faith being strong or the fear I felt about having another child being strangely relieved.  I don’t know whether to feel guilty or at ease.

I know you are good, you are wise and you are loving. 

I don’t know why this has happened to us today, but I remember that you are good, you are wise and you are loving.  Everything that happens to me is because of your perfectly good and wise plan done out of love.

But this hurts.

There are so many things we won’t be able to do.  We won’t know whether this is a little girl or a little boy.  Both Christine and I felt, for some reason, that this young life was a boy.  We won’t be able to have Anna wear her new “Big Sister” shirt.  I had imagined her wearing that to church on the first Sunday we could go back to the building.  We won’t be able to laugh as Joshua came up with more outrageous names like Jackolous or Cracker.

I feel robbed but I’ve only known about this child for a few days.  You’ve known since time before time.

I don’t know how to help my wife best.  This hurts her more than it does me.  I don’t know that, but I’m sure it’s true.

It is comforting to know there are things this child won’t ever learn.  They’ll never learn what it feels like to be disappointed.  They’ll never feel the pain of a sunburn.  They’ll never feel heartache.  They’ll never know the feeling of speaking to a ceiling and wondering where you are.  In some ways this is the life I would choose for all my kids, but selfishly I want to know this little boy or girl here and now.  I want to take a nap with him sleeping on my chest.  I want to feel her kick in Christine.  I want to see Anna look at him the way Joshua looked at her.  I want all these things.

But you are good, you are wise and you are loving.

If this is a miscarriage, I need you not to miscarry us.  I need you to help me through this.  I need you to help me help Christine.  If this is a miscarriage, I need you to tell my child how much Daddy loves him.  Tell him I’m coming as soon as you let me.  Tell him eternity seems about right.

If this is your will then I thank you for it.  Help me thank you.  I believe, help my unbelief.

Amen."