Un-Toxic Masculinity

The term toxic masculinity is everywhere.  Misbehaving men have abused their power, abused women's bodies and ruined many people in their paths.  "Boys will be boys" simply isn't good enough.

But is masculinity the problem?

I say no.  They type of masculinity that is toxic is a faux masculinity, it is a pseudo-masculinity.  One of the answers to the problem of toxic masculinity is not a feminization of men but a return to real masculinity.

Below are five traits of real masculinity I've seen in men I admire and in the Scriptures:

1) Real Masculinity Initiates

Men take the initiative.  Real masculinity sees a need and then looks to fill it.  Real masculinity that initiates is seen in how Jesus loved us first (1 John 4:19).  If Christ would have waited for us to love Him then we would be doomed.  Real masculinity initiates, it takes the risk so the other doesn't have to, it embraces the responsibility to act first.  Real masculinity humbly apologizes first; real men end cold wars.  The real men I know do this well with their wives, children, co-workers and friends.

2) Real Masculinity Sacrifices

Men don't have to win, but they have to be willing to make sacrifices.  President Trump once said of Senator John McCain, "He's not a war hero.  He's a hero because he was captured.  I like people that weren't captured." This isn't supposed to be political.  I'm using the quote to show that the measure of real masculinity is not wins and losses but willingness to sacrifice.  Jesus laid down His life willingly for us (John 10:11-18).  This is a marker of masculinity.  Real men don't always win but they do things like shout "women and children first" when the fire rages or the ship sinks.  Real men are willing to not get their way for the good of others.  Real masculinity sacrifices.

3) Real Masculinity is Courageous

God tells the warrior Joshua to "Be strong and courageous" (Joshua 1:9).  A different way of translating the Biblical word courageous is "play the man".  An essence of Biblical masculinity is courage.  C. S. Lewis famously said, "Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point."  Men hold on to their virtues even when it gets difficult.  Real men are faithful to their wives even when she is hard to love.  Real men are honest even when it's easier to lie.  Real men are guided by morals even if it means defeat in the moment.  Real masculinity is filled with courage.

4) Real Masculinity Loves Other Men

I wasted many years of friendship at surface level with my friends.  In an effort not to appear to be anything but über-straight, unfeeling young men we hid our best feelings for one another.  It wasn't until not long ago that some of my high school and college friends started to be more honest with one another.  It wasn't until not long ago that we hugged each other before leaving.  Why?  Because we were masculine back then?  No, because we weren't masculine enough.  Think about King David and Jonathan (1 Samuel 20).  Some modern readers wonder if they were gay together, but that's because some have lost the real masculinity that can love brothers deeply.  Real men don't hide their love and appreciation for dear brothers.

5) Real Masculinity is Appropriately Emotional

The stoic is the modern idea of a man.  Where did we get that?  Jesus wept (John 11:35).  Jesus was angry (Matthew 21:12-13).  Real masculinity is not devoid of emotion; real masculinity feels deeply about the things that matter.  My Grandpa Ray is famous in our family for having been a crier.  When he'd watch Billy Graham Crusades he would weep watching people file down the aisles to give their lives to Jesus.  Some of the strongest, most manly men I know are prone to tears.  Real masculinity strives to understand what matters, to care about what matters and that understanding and care causes deep emotions.  Real men aren't controlled by emotion alone, but real men feel deeply.

Toxic masculinity is a problem in our world today.  Don't be a toxic man with a fake masculinity.  Let's let our men be men, real men.  Let's teach our boys an authentic, Biblical masculinity.  And let's make the phrase healing masculinity replace toxic masculinity.  Let us raise boys and let us be men who enable our families and communities to flourish not in spite of our masculinity, but because of it today.