New Life, Nausea and Answered Prayer

 Tuesday, April 14th, just after supper, my wife had a miscarriage.  

The pain of a miscarriage was deep for the two of us and such a strange thing.  Strange is an odd adjective but somehow for me it fits.  We spent quite a while not knowing how to feel.  We didn't know if we should feel as bad as we did at times and at other times we felt ashamed at our feeling normal.  

One of the worst parts of the miscarriage was that my poor wife had to be reminded of it every time she used the bathroom.  I only saw that red, lifeless, blood a few times and it turned my soul inside out.  My wife had a gruesome reminder of loss for days.

For the last ten and a half weeks Christine has been pregnant again.

The discovery of new life within my wife excited me and terrified me.  This Spring I had learned intimately the reality of my utter helplessness is sustaining new life.  The lines on the stick brought a commingling of immense joy and fathoms of deep paranoia. 

When Christine had the miscarriage I wrote out a prayer to keep.  And when my joy and fear collided with this new pregnancy I wrote another prayer.

"Dad,
I'm not afraid that you won't do the right thing or the best thing; I'm afraid that the best thing might hurt.  God, please don't hurt me.  Love my kids."

God has answered my prayer in the way I would want, so far.  I'm happy about that.  God also gave us a cruel blessing: nausea.

Christine has not had nausea with our other kids.  She's had "easy" pregnancies (I type "easy" nervously as a man).  But this time she has been nauseous most times of the day.  This nausea is hard on Christine, but it also is a blessing.  Nausea means the baby lives.  Until she can feel the baby move, nausea is our sign from God that our child's life is being sustained.  I know that my wife wants to stop being nauseous and we know that if she does stop that the worry will restart.

So, we thank God now for nausea.  We thank Him for answered prayer.  We thank God for trusting us with another life.  We thank Him for being the Creator and Sustainer of all life.  

Thank Him with us today.

The Discipline of Wonder

 What do you do in your small group?  What do you in your personal quiet time?  What do you do in your worship service?

I'm guessing in your small group you spend lots of time chatting, lots of time catching up, lots of time answering each others' questions about the passage.  I'm guessing your personal quiet time is filled with brisk reading while your phone lights up next to you and you struggle to ignore it.  I bet your worship service is filled with music, preaching and praying.  

I'm guessing you're a lot like me and your church is a lot like mine.  The things listed above are not bad, but the list is incomplete.

"It seems to me that some of us value information over wonder, and noise over silence.  And I feel that we need a lot more wonder and a lot more silence in our lives." -Fred Rogers

This quote hit me last night as I found myself in a labyrinth of old Mr. Rogers interviews, and yes that happens more than it should.  I'd heard this quote before but it hit me between the eyes last night and I had to write it down and let it sit in my notebook a night.

Do I care more about getting the right answers when I read my Bible or about being in wonder at the God that the Bible reveals to me?  Do I come to small group to stand in shared awe like I did when I went with my family to the Grand Canyon?  Do I expect to spend any time in wonder at a WORSHIP service or do I just plan on getting more answers to the next theological debate I enter?

When my family and I went to the south rim of the Grand Canyon, I was in wonder, but I didn't stay that way long.  We stopped first at Mather Point and it was breathtaking, but it was so crowded.  I was in awe of the Grand Canyon but something was missing.  Silence.  So, I helped convince my entire family to get on a bus and go to the furthest stop called Yaki Point.  Yaki Point wasn't any more grand than Mather Point, but it was silent.  That silence so enhanced my wonder and appreciation of the Grand Canyon.

Do I plan enough quiet space in which to truly wonder?  Do I surround myself with people that allow wonder to happen at all?  Or do I simply feel the need to fill the space with noise?  

Do I view my faith journey as a quest for the right answers to a test or as a wondrous pursuit of a wonderful, saving God?  

We need more wonder.  So, how can we do this?  How can we pursue wonder and not simply correct answers?  How can we use silence in our worship and small groups?  What quiet can we build into our quiet time?  What physical space can we go to in order to achieve this?

I'm not going to answer these questions because your answer may differ from mine, but I simply ask you to ask these questions to yourself today.

"Therefore, holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus..." Hebrews 3:1