That line was like an arrow to my heart.
My wife Christine and I have been trying since December of 2014 to have a baby. Both of us are sick of waiting. We've done multiple tests, taken drugs and done procedures, some of which she's written about before. But here we are approaching two years later and nothing has changed. And this situation is why what my pastor said bothered me in such a great way.
I don't want to waste infertility.
I don't want to waste infertility. This MUST shine and glorify God. If He is the light of the world and we are the light of the world then He must shine in us through infertility. If everything works for my good and His glory then infertility must, too.
I don't want to waste infertility.
I can't let my experience be only grumbling. Will we grumble to God about this? Absolutely. Where else can we go with our trouble? But I refuse to only grumble about this. Is infertility in and of itself a good thing? I don't think so, but I know that God is up to something grand.
There must be glory in infertility.
I don't know how but I trust that when I look back on this it will be like flipping a cross stitch over from back to front. I trust that God not only knows what He's doing but that what He's doing will be glorious.
I trust that if and when Christine gets pregnant it will be with OUR child planned for us from before creation. I trust that when we adopt we will adopt OUR child planned for us from eternity before eternity.
I trust that God sees our tears, hears our groans and feels our pain YET loves us enough to give us only the best. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I know this and hold on to this.
This doesn't mean we'll stop trying. This doesn't mean each month's cruel negative announcement doesn't deeply hurt. But this does mean that I don't want to look back at this period of infertility and realize I wasted it. I, by the grace of God, will live, either in this life or the next, to experience the glory of our infertility.
I don't want to waste infertility. Please pray that Christine and I won't waste it today.
* We feel no ill will toward you who are pregnant. Please celebrate if you are.
* If you are dealing with infertility, know you aren't alone. It's not something talked much about but 1 in 8 couples deal with it.
* If you're experiencing infertility and can't find the ability to trust God in it most days, welcome to the club. This post was written on one of my good days.
Great post Matt! Chris and I have been trying for 7 years. We were blessed with our son Jackson through adoption but it's a difficult time and many out there understand what you are trying to say. We will keep you and your wife in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. We will be praying for you and christine. Matt and I tried for 3.5 years before we got pregnant. Then lost our first child. It's a tough thing to go through.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. We will be praying for you and christine. Matt and I tried for 3.5 years before we got pregnant. Then lost our first child. It's a tough thing to go through.
ReplyDeleteThanks you, two.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of this true poem:
ReplyDelete"My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not ’til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned"
Hi Matt,
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to contact you regarding an interview about this. Can you please email me? charlie at lifefm dot co dot nz. Thanks!
Dear Matt,
ReplyDeleteWe would be grateful to have your permission to publish this blog post ("Where is God During Infertility") in an upcoming issue of our magazine. If you could email me at jessiechew [at] trinity [dot] sg with your response, that would be much appreciated. Feel free to email with any questions you might have about this request. Thanks!
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Talk soon